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Dear Angel…

I had just closed the last box of my possessions when I saw the notebook. It was a black composition notebook that had been thrown in my closet. I picked it up and instantly remembered what it was. I opened it and saw two sets of handwriting, one was mine and one was her’s. Looking at the notes we wrote back and forth made so many memories come rushing back to me. Memories of the fun times back when we had nothing in the world to worry about.

notes-514998__180The notes were mostly just jokes we told to one another. The letters flowed from page to page and I read every one. Some made me smile, some made me laugh, others made me want to throw the journal back into the abyss that I found it in.

This would happen, I thought, right as I’m about to leave something pulls me back to this. If I said that I had completely forgotten about her I would be lying. I could never forget about her. So what should I do? Then a lightbulb went off in my head. I sat down at my desk like I had done so many times before and pulled out a pen and a piece of paper.

Wait… how do I start this? “Hey, I know we haven’t talked in almost a year but how ya doin’?” I dropped the pen and just stared at the paper. Writing was never hard for me. I could crank out essays, poems, prose, but for some reason a simple letter was stumping me. I guess I’ll start the only way I can think of.

Dear Angel,

I know that it must confuse you, receiving a letter from me. I know it’s been awhile since we last talked but I just need to write this. Not just to tell you how I feel but for my own sake.

Now what? Is this the part where I spill my emotions out to her? Do I make up some stupid lie about how I don’t miss her and hope she’s happy with the choices she’s made? Truth be told, I hadn’t exactly thought this far ahead. I guess I’ll just write the next few things that come to mind:

I don’t know why you left. And I don’t know what I did to make you leave, but I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I was too much. I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough. I know that you were going through a lot and I never really asked if you were okay. I just assumed I knew what you needed and I suppose I was wrong. I know that nothing I can say will change what has happened but I’m just looking for a bit of closure.

It has been almost a year since we last spoke and nothing has been the same. I feel different, I’m not sure how to explain it but I just don’t feel like I did before. I used to be happy and cheerful but now I find myself having to put on an act of being happy and cheerful. I don’t think you realized how much you meant to me and I’m sure you never will, but you were the reason I was so positive.

I met this girl when I was a young boy who knew nothing of the world. We grew up together and at a time I considered her the greatest of my friends. Over time I began to have feelings for her that were beyond friendship. It was stupid, I know, but it was what my heart told me was right. And being a young and naive boy I chose to follow my heart. It was a painful lesson but in hindsight it was a lesson that I needed to learn. It has made me smarter and wary of bad decisions. Of course, it has had some negative effects as well.

cellphoneA lot of time has passed, perhaps too much to make amends, but sometimes I lay awake at night wondering where you are and what you’re doing. Sometimes I wonder if my phone will buzz and it’ll be a text from you but it never does and it never is. Most of the time I pretend like I don’t miss you or that I never knew you existed… but that isn’t true. I think about you everyday, I think about the time we spent and the friendship we had. Had. It’s over now and I haven’t met someone like you since.

Do I ever come across your mind? Do you ever find yourself wondering about me? Probably not. I’m not worth caring about these days. I’m sure you’re off doing bigger and better things and have no time to worry about lonely people like me.

She was always more popular than me. That never bothered me, she was more likeable. But we were inseparable for a time. Sometimes she felt like the only friend I had. I was always the black sheep of any friend group I was in. I used to think her and I balanced each other out but more and more toward the end I started to realize we were more similar than I thought. I also began to realize how hard she had become on the inside. She had been through her fair share of troubles and some left deep cuts.

The point of this letter isn’t to make you feel bad. It isn’t even to make you come running back to me. It’s actually a form of closure for me. You were a big chapter in my life, my entire teenage years were spent trying to win your approval. Now I’m about to embark on the next chapter of my life and I just needed to close the book on what you and I had.

This is the final string holding me back from moving on. I’ve said my goodbyes to everyone except her and it just wouldn’t feel right leaving this place without saying my final farewell to this person. Truth be told, I never thought I would have to say goodbye to her but sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you plan.

No matter where you end up, I will always care for you. For a while I’ve tried to convince myself that I hated you… but that is simply not the case. You were my first true love, part of me fears you will be my last, but I must try to move on. I’ve become colder to the idea of love and relationships. I now find them off putting and even undesirable. But I hope you find someone who will take care of you and love you unconditionally. If it cannot be me then I hope it is someone who is deserving of you. You may have caused me great pain but I still think the world of you. No one will ever understand that but you. Please don’t worry about me or wonder if I’m okay. You know that I can take care of myself. I knew you were special ever since I first met you and my only hope is that you will be happy. You’ve been through some much these past few years but I hope that in the end you are happy. You deserve to be happy.

I don’t believe that she intended to hurt me the way she did. I think she acted in her own best interest and left. A warning would have been nice though. One day she was here and one day she just wasn’t. It doesn’t matter now though. We’re almost done.

If we see each other again we may talk, it may be small talk, it may be a long conversation that goes somewhere, or perhaps we’ll simply smile and nod at each other from across the street. Whatever the outcome, find happiness in something. Follow your bliss.

Goodbye, Angel.

mailboxSo, do I mail it? Do I burn it? Shred it up and throw it out the window and wait for the rain to wash it away? If I don’t mail this letter then what was the point of writing it? I went through my desk and eventually found an envelope. I folded up the letter and stuffed it in there. I scribbled her address on there and that was that. She won’t write me back, she won’t call, she may not even open it; but I feel so much better now. Having finally written all that down is a tremendous weight off my shoulders and I feel like I can now move on and leave this place completely.

I grabbed the last box of my stuff and the letter and walked out to my car. I shoved the box with the others and closed the trunk. I mosied on over the mailbox and opened it. I slid the letter in and put the red flag up on the side. And now it was over. I got in my car and drove off ready to start the next part of my life. Nothing holding me back.

car driving

Hi, I’m Zach. I like food and books and talking about food and books. I’m currently studying English Education at Missouri Western State University with the hope to be a high school creative writing teacher. My one true goal is to be an author and it has been my goal ever since I was a little kid who realized he just wasn’t any good at sports… or any physical activity for that matter. I hope you enjoy my work and I’m always open for suggestions.

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