I spoke loudly
I spoke quietly
I spoke but you did not hear
I spoke but you did not listen
I spoke but no more do I speak
Because I spoke, you just didn’t care
-The Review Sister
Last weekend, I spent quite a bit of time going through old posts and this is one of the pieces I stumbled upon. I wrote this piece on April 10 of 2013.
This was written during one of the most devastating times of my life. I have never felt more depressed, more lonely, more angry, and more exhausted in my life-ever.
The interesting thing is that I blogged about it over the course of about two to three years.
Looking back, I see the transition into bitterness and anger. My very words were spears of hurt and anger.
Then, I see the my anger become exhaustion. I remember it well. I had no more fight in me. In fact, I have never felt exhaustion more since that time in my life.
I remember feeling like a toy that you wind up. Every morning I would wake up hating that I made it through the night and having to find something to wind me up to get through the next few hours.
People didn’t seem to care. They seemed to want the fake and happy Fairen because when I didn’t show her, they told me to basically move on.
But through that comes hope.
Today, I live to tell of how trials over time wear on the body and the mind. I am forever changed because I understand so much more now then ever before.
I can now empathize with others in a similar situation and recognize their pain. And though I am not completely healed, even my darkest days are much brighter now.
If you are going through a rough time where you are angry or are so tired you can barely function, I just want to tell you to endure. Find an outlet and keep speaking. There are people wanting to hear your voice and your experience even when you feel you have nothing.
Something that worked for me was to find something to get excited about each day. Just for that day.
And talk to God. Through your anger, through your hurt and through your pain because he understands.
1 Peter 5:7 NLT
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
For those of us who aren’t going through that right now, I have a few words for you as well.
Please listen to those who aren’t well. Please stick with them and love them. I beg of you!
I’m not saying that you don’t have your own problems to deal with but when you are in a place where you can get up out of bed with a fair amount of ease. And when your troubles aren’t so dark that you regret you haven’t died each and every morning, please reach out.
Please invite them to events and constantly invite them to spend time with you. Do things that constantly tell them that they are loved, valued, and important.
It’s all some people want and have to look forward to. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to keep them alive.
Romans 10:9 (NIV)
9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.