With each passing day, I take in a deep breath…inhale, exhale. Deep, lost in my thoughts I find myself, pondering about the irony of my current reality.
Watching you grow accomplishing every milestone is still a wonder to me; I’m amazed of how far we’ve come. Milestones in which I rejoice and find sadness all at once. I never thought it’d be just the two of us, not in a million years did I think it’d be this way…just you and me, no father figure.
It pains me to imagine how this reality must feel for you, what impression it must have on your innocent young mind. It tears me apart, I feel that I have failed. At times I wonder, what if I stayed no matter how awful, but despite this grief I know that I did what was best for the two of us, especially you; I wouldn’t want to see you grow with someone who wouldn’t instill in you good moral values and shape you to be the awesome little human you are today.
I never thought it’d be this hard, this lonely, this tumultuous fighting daily with guilt and sorrow. Struggling to find joy in the little things because I’m overwhelmed with exhaustion, sleepless nights, worries, depression, lack of faith, hope, desire to live and to go on fighting.
I find myself broken struggling to find the broken pieces to mend them, I fail miserably at each attempt. Lost, weakened, exhausted, overwhelmed I am. I never thought this would be my journey, for I envisioned something totally different.